For parents
He is going to be in the room. Make sure he knows what to do.
Raising a boy who would never hurt anyone is half the job. The other half is raising one who stops his friend. These are the nine conversations, each with a way to start it.
01
Consent
He will hear a version of this from friends and the internet first. Make sure yours gets there too.
A way to start
- “No is a complete sentence. If she says it, or stops saying yes, you stop. Even if you're halfway through.”
- “If she's drunk enough that you'd take her keys, she's too intoxicated for anything else.”
02
Respect
How he talks about girls when they are not in the room is the thing to listen for.
A way to start
- “How do the guys on the team talk about girls? What do you say when it goes too far?”
- “You don't have to like someone to be decent to them.”
03
The talk
Awkward for about ninety seconds. Then it is a conversation you have both had, and the next one is easier.
A way to start
- “I'm not going to ask what you're doing. I'm going to tell you what I expect, and then you can ask me anything.”
- “Both people should want it. Not go along with it. Want it. If you're not sure, that's your answer.”
04
Pornography and expectations
Most boys see it before anybody talks to them about it. It is teaching him something whether you bring it up or not.
A way to start
- “What you've seen online is a performance. Nobody is checking in, nobody is nervous, and nobody says no. Real people do all three.”
- “If it's shaping what you think a girl is supposed to do, say so. We can talk about it.”
05
Alcohol
The one thing in nearly every story. Not because drinking causes it, because it is the excuse.
A way to start
- “Being drunk is never a reason. Not for him, not for you.”
- “If a friend is too far gone, you get him home. If a girl is too far gone, you get her to her friends. You never leave either one with a stranger.”
06
Peer pressure
He already knows right from wrong. What he does not know yet is what it costs to say so in front of his friends.
A way to start
- “Has there been a night where you knew something was wrong and didn't say anything? What stopped you?”
- “Being called a buzzkill is the cheapest thing that will ever happen to you.”
07
Relationships
His first one will set the pattern. Checking a phone, keeping score and getting angry when she has plans are not love.
A way to start
- “How does she feel when she's around you? That's the whole question.”
- “Jealousy isn't a compliment. It's a warning.”
08
Masculinity
Boys get handed a list of what a man is not allowed to be. Most of what goes wrong later is on that list.
A way to start
- “Strength is what you use to protect people. Anything else is just being big.”
- “The guys you admire. What do they do when nobody's watching?”
09
Speaking up when friends cross boundaries
This is the whole movement. Raising a boy who would not hurt anyone is half the job. The other half is a boy who stops his friend.
A way to start
- “You're going to be in the room when a friend does something he shouldn't. What are you going to do?”
- “If you ever have to ruin the party, I'll back you. Every time.”
How to have any of them
- In the car. Side by side, no eye contact, a natural end point. Every parent who has done this says the same thing.
- Short. Two minutes, then let it go. You are not closing the subject, you are opening it.
- Say what you expect, then take questions. He does not need a lecture on what he already knows is wrong. He needs to hear that you know he will be in the room, and what you expect him to do there.
- Back him in advance. “If you ever have to ruin the party, I’ve got you.” Say it before he needs it.
People who have done this longer than we have
- A Call to Men on healthy manhood and the Man Box, the list of things boys are told a man is not allowed to be.
- love is respect for the relationship conversations, written for 14 to 24 year olds, with a line they can call or text themselves.
- RAINN’s page for students and parents, from middle school through college.